Investigation, Not Accusation!

By: Jason Ulanet, MSCP

Mnemonic devices can be handy when there is something new to learn. They reorient us as we get overwhelmed by the difficult task of learning and applying new concepts. Anyone who’s had to learn to read music has probably used the Every-Good-Boy-Deserves-Fudge schema, which tells you which notes go on which lines of sheet music. Countless spelling errors have been avoided simply by repeating this familiar rhyme: “I before ‘e’, except after ‘c’”. Acronyms frequently are relied upon to remember sets of rules, concepts, or just long, clumsy names for laws (see: Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act = HIPAA).

When I work with couples or families who are trying to learn how to improve their communication patterns, I use this rhyme as a mnemonic device: Investigation, Not Accusation!

Nothing derails a productive dialogue like the dreaded “blame game”, in which people take turns assigning to one another responsibility for whatever upsetting circumstance they’ve found themselves in. Minor, barely-remembered grievances from the past suddenly become fair game in an all-out effort to get the last word. Once started, this pattern often goes on indefinitely, and it becomes very easy to lose sight of mutual goals.

It’s at times like these I employ the “Investigation, Not Accusation!” device. All it takes is focusing people on whether what they’re saying to one another moves them closer to finding solutions and reaching new understanding, or if it just serves as another opportunity for them to restate what they see as the problem. In short, it’s about introducing to couples and families the power of asking more questions, versus just hoping their forceful declarations will be enough to resolve matters.

When the accusations pile up on either side (and they can pile up quickly!), it can be a very clarifying moment to ask each party how they feel their mutual accusations get them closer to their goal. I’ve found that both sides of the argument tend to respond the same way, that they are indeed no closer to their goal. As a result, they often find themselves in a very unexpected position: they are in agreement on something! And from that position, now that the prospect of winning vs.losing is off the table, we can proceed with dialogue that’s productive, primarily by asking sincere questions and trying to find out more about another’s perspective.

That said, it’s important to remember that just phrasing an accusation in the form of a question doesn’t necessarily change anything. For instance, imagine this being shouted at you at close range: “What, do you think you’re the only one who has to work all day?”  Clearly, this kind of statement makes it obvious that the one asking the question has already made up their mind as to what the other person thinks. There’s no investigation going on at all; it’s accusation. Helping couples and families recognize what the function of their speech is can go a long way towards fostering the practices which promote healing, instead of furthering hurt.