By: Jason Ulanet, MSCP
Mnemonic devices can be handy when
there is something new to learn. They reorient us as we get overwhelmed by
the difficult task of learning and applying new concepts. Anyone who’s had to
learn to read music has probably used the Every-Good-Boy-Deserves-Fudge schema,
which tells you which notes go on which lines of sheet music. Countless
spelling errors have been avoided simply by repeating this familiar rhyme: “I
before ‘e’, except after ‘c’”. Acronyms frequently are relied upon to remember
sets of rules, concepts, or just long, clumsy names for laws (see: Health
Insurance Portability and Accountability Act = HIPAA).
When I work with couples or
families who are trying to learn how to improve their communication patterns, I
use this rhyme as a mnemonic device: Investigation, Not Accusation!
Nothing
derails a productive dialogue like the dreaded “blame game”, in which people
take turns assigning to one another responsibility for whatever upsetting
circumstance they’ve found themselves in. Minor, barely-remembered grievances
from the past suddenly become fair game in an all-out effort to get the last
word. Once started, this pattern often goes on indefinitely, and it becomes
very easy to lose sight of mutual goals.
It’s at times like these I employ
the “Investigation, Not Accusation!” device. All it takes is focusing people on
whether what they’re saying to one another moves them closer to finding
solutions and reaching new understanding, or if it just serves as another
opportunity for them to restate what they see as the problem. In short, it’s
about introducing to couples and families the power of asking more questions,
versus just hoping their forceful declarations will be enough to resolve
matters.
When the accusations pile up on
either side (and they can pile up quickly!), it can be a very clarifying moment
to ask each party how they feel their mutual accusations get them closer to
their goal. I’ve found that both sides of the argument tend to respond the same way,
that they are indeed no closer to their goal. As a result, they often find
themselves in a very unexpected position: they are in agreement on
something! And from that position, now that the prospect of
winning vs.losing is off the table, we can proceed with dialogue that’s
productive, primarily by asking sincere questions and trying to find out more
about another’s perspective.
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