I Don’t Need Anyone’s Help!

By: Jason Ulanet, PLPC

Social Services Clinican

Sometimes current events give bloggers a nice; easy, perfect segue into what they want to write about. This is ALMOST one of those times. The major headlines of the last few days all include news of the New England Patriots’ tight end Aaron Hernandez, who has found himself in serious legal trouble. Such a dramatic reversal in fortune for this young man reminded me of something I’ve returned to over the years in my conversations with those who’ve been in treatment, or are considering seeking it.

 Time and again, I find myself working with people who tell me they put off getting psychiatric care or psychotherapy because they believed “I’m the kind of person that takes care of things for myself”.  For many of these people, pursuing and receiving mental health treatment comes to represent some kind of violation of their identity, and they end up thinking to themselves, “I might need help, but I CAN’T ask for help!”  Look at that statement, and I think you’ll agree it doesn’t look like something someone with confidence would say. By not giving themselves permission to receive care, such people then often unwittingly put themselves in the position of feeling guilty for something they haven’t even done yet. This can result in even more tension, more anxiety, and more shame.

So, how does one go about loosening up a position that rigid and self-defeating? As the saying goes, you can lead the horse to water, but what if the thirsty horse thinks the river’s poisoned? When it comes to the notion that one would somehow, in some fundamental way, stop being themselves just because they’re seeking help for depression or anxiety, I present them with the following scenario:

“….let’s say a big, strong linebacker for an NFL team is injured on a play. He’s laid out on the field, not moving. Looks bad, maybe a torn ligament, maybe a broken ankle. They carry him off the field on a cart. Now let me ask you a question: Does the fact that this huge linebacker is being carted off the field mean that he’s weak??.... No??... You wouldn’t say he’s a weak man??... Would it make more sense to say that he’s still a strong man, but that he just needs some help right now??”

This usually brings a pause, a deep breath, and then a nod. Using professional athletes in this analogy can be effective, because successful athletes can be thought of as unburdened by any weaknesses, without self-doubts, frailties or vulnerabilities. It seems impossible for those qualities to coexist with the usual traits possessed by pro-athletes: power, confidence, wealth. It can be very empowering for people to be introduced to the notion that they don’t have to abandon their self-concept as a “strong” or “responsible” person just because they need help at the present time.